President Obama delivers his State of the Union address at the Capitol in Washington on Jan. 12. Not one mention of venomous sea serpents. NOT ONE. (Nicholas Kamm/Agence France-Presse)

Even though Iran has returned U.S. sailors and ships that strayed into its territorial waters, the Revolutionary Guard did make some repugnant propaganda hay out of the affair. This lends credence to those who argue that if a tougher president were in command, Iran wouldn’t act in this bellicose fashion:

This is persuasive to me, but I fear that President Obama’s critics have underestimated the threat matrix facing the United States.

My Washington Post colleague Sarah Kaplan has the story:

For the third time in recent months, a rare, venomous yellow-bellied sea snake has washed up on the Golden State’s shores, freaking out beach-goers and intriguing biologists. These creatures typically dwell in tropical waters and never come ashore. What were they doing, cold and covered in sand, in California?….

Yellow-bellied sea snakes are typically black and yellow with a broad, paddle-like tail. They can grow to the length of a baseball bat and are (potentially) way more lethal. Their venom contains a potent neurotoxin that stops your muscles from communicating with your nerve cells and a single bite can cause respiratory, heart or nerve failure, according to the University of Hawaii’s Waikiki Aquarium.

Kaplan goes on to assert that the sea snakes don’t pose that serious a threat and that the cause of this is, in the words of one evolutionary biology professor, “the warmer El Niño conditions have expanded the range of suitable environmental conditions for this snake.”

That sounds just like something Obama would say, and look where it’s gotten us: nothing but more sea serpents washing up on the nation’s shores. It’s not surprising, if you think about it. We know that Obama spent part of his childhood in Indonesia and Hawaii — plenty of time to commune with and develop loyalties to Poseidon’s creatures. The fact that he didn’t mention the sea serpent threat in his last State of the Union address — even the fact that he gave the speech rather than focus on the mounting sea serpent threat — just shows where his loyalties lie.

Spoiler Alert readers know the truth: This threat from the oceans is a direct result of Obama’s presidency. His abject failure to deter threats from land-based mammals has clearly encouraged sea creatures to waltz anywhere they want on American beaches. Let’s not be politically correct here. We all know about marine wildlife. When the oceans send their animals onto our shores, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending sea life that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to the United States. They’re bringing poison. They’re bringing bad smells. They’re vicious. And some fish, I assume, are tasty.

It’s hard to overstate just how foolish the Pacific Ocean has made our president look. Poseidon’s creatures have 300 371 days left to push a U.S. president around. Well, enjoy it while you can, you radical sea serpents and mollusks. After that, there will be hell to pay.

I’m going to be taking a close look at the current crop of presidential candidates to see what action they will take to combat the sea serpent threat. Personally, I think that we should close U.S. shores to all marine life until we can figure out what is going on. I want to see a president who will build a big beautiful dam around all of the nation’s coastlines — and get the mollusks to pay for it. I want a president willing to cut the head off this underwater underworld. I want a president who will make America’s beaches great again.

The scales have fallen from my eyes, Spoiler Alert readers. We need commentators unafraid to puff out their chests and demand that rash actions be taken. And unlike our president, I can no longer look away from the threat posed by the sea. With the world on fire, I can only hope that we elect a leader strong enough to take action on day one. Otherwise, we will face a dystopian future of Samuel Jacksonian proportions.