At this point in his administration, whenever President Obama says that a threat to the United States is overrated, I start to get very nervous about that threat. So his statement that Donald Trump will not be president worries the heck out of me.
As the hard-working staff here at Spoiler Alerts has moved from denial to anger to bargaining on a Trump administration, there’s a little bit of Kent Brockman in me now:
While it is true that Trump needs foreign policy advisers, I still have that whole ethical qualms thing about advising a serial liar who has evinced zero understanding of how the global economy actually works.
On the other hand, I’m betting the National Science Foundation grant application process might be streamlined in a politically incorrect Trump administration. Already, other Republican candidates have jumped on the anti-PC bandwagon. Forget Fastlane, it will be EZ-lane from here on in.
And I, for one, welcome this new era of non-PC research proposals. Kanye West has already pioneered one template…
…but that’s too positive in this new era of telling it exactly like it is. As someone who has done a bit of research on economic sanctions, for example, this is how I would write a narrative for new research into targeted, financial sanctions:
I want you, the NSF, to give me tremendous amounts of money to research economic sanctions. You should do this because everyone else researching sanctions is stupid. Just so unbelievably dumb. The Targeted Sanctions Initiative? What a joke!! They’re partially based in Switzerland. Stop giving U.S. research dollars to foreign researchers, I don’t care how smart they are. And it’s linked to the United Nations, an organization filled with no-talent political hacks. The Peterson Institute for International Economics is a DC think tank in a funny-looking building that produces nothing but low-class research. I’ve seen how they operate, all they do is say “on the one hand, on the other hand.” Enough with the hands! We don’t need that kind of weak-ass research anymore. And as for the Threat and Imposition of Sanctions (TIES) research, their principal investigator is based in Texas. That’s George W. Bush/Ted Cruz territory. When Texas produces sanctions researchers, it’s not using its best people. Why should you fund those losers?
If you give me the money — or, better yet, make the no-talent hacks I talked about in the last paragraph pay for it — I will produce the best, the classiest economic sanctions research you will ever see. There’s gonna be so much great research, you’ll get sick of it all. The research will come in fancy binders. And I will hire only the best people, recruit top-notch graduate students. American graduate students, no foreigners. In fact, I was thinking of starting a Sanctions University, so maybe your boss could give me some tips about how to run that.
You need to give me all the money now. China is starting to use economic sanctions, and they’re killing us, they’re using so many sanctions. So show me the money. Otherwise, you’re just a bunch of stupid jerks who don’t know anything.
Yeah, I’m going to like the Ideas Industry in a Trump administration.