From Donald Trump’s Fox News interview Monday: “I would strike — well, you know, they know … We have generals who think we can win this thing so fast and so strong, but we have to be furious for a short period of time, and we’re not doing it.”
From the text of Donald Trump’s speech Monday: “If we don’t get tough, and we don’t get smart — and fast — we’re not going to have a country anymore — there will be nothing left.”
TO: Universal Pictures
FROM: Daniel Drezner
RE: The Tough and the Smart and the Strong and the Fast and the Furious 8 treatment
First of all, thanks so much for choosing me over Chris Morgan to write this screenplay. I appreciate the vote of confidence
You asked for a couple of possible scenes, which I didn’t think was going to be possible given the short 24-hour time frame. Fortunately, it turns out that Trump’s foreign policy worldview syncs up surprisingly well with a Vin Diesel vehicle. Below is how I’m thinking of starting it:
SMASH-CUT POST CREDITS
INT: OVAL OFFICE, WASHINGTON, D.C.:
[Running as fast has her high heels will let her, Press Secretary HOPE HICKS runs into the Oval Office, where PRESIDENT TRUMP is sitting]
HICKS: Mr. President, there’s been another terrorist attack, sir. They’ve gone after the headquarters of Trump University II!
TRUMP: What a disaster. Get me Lewandowski!! What’s the reaction been on Twitter?
HICKS: Mostly expressions of sympathy for the victims.
TRUMP: Weak, so weak. This country is in such trouble, we’re losing so badly. No one wants to strike back. We need to be smart and fast and furious right now.
[Chief of staff COREY LEWANDOWSKI rushes in.]
TRUMP: Corey, do the Joint Chiefs have a retaliatory strike in place?
LEWANDOWSKI: Sir, the generals are resisting your plan to go after the families of terrorists.
TRUMP: Those losers and haters don’t get it. They’re not smart. But I know who is. GET ME TORETTO!!
[SMASH-CUT TO TORETTO AND ROMAN BEING HAULED INTO THE OVAL OFFICE BY SECRET SERVICE]
TRUMP: Dom, I know we don’t see eye to eye on everything. But this terrorism has got to stop, and you’ve done a tremendous job dealing with losers and haters. I was worried that you might be Mexican, but I do tremendously with Mexicans, so I don’t really care about that anymore. The point is, I want you and your team to hit the families of ISIS recruits and take them all out.
TORETTO: I don’t have a team, Mr. President. I have family. And I’m not risking my family for the eighth time just for revenge.
TRUMP: Oh really? I don’t think you have all of your family, Dom. Corey, get in here!
[LEWANDOWSKI ENTERS THE OVAL OFFICE WITH A GUN POINTED AT MIA TORETTO’S HEAD. MIA IS ALSO WEARING HEELS.]
MIA: Dom, don’t do whatever they’re asking you to do!
TRUMP: Family is everything, Dom, so I’ll make this real simple. Either you and your team take out the families of the terrorists in Syria, or I take out your family right here in the Oval Office.
DOM: Don’t threaten my family.
TRUMP: Threaten? I didn’t threaten. I don’t know where you got the idea that I was threatening your family. I was just saying I might order takeout here with Mia while we wait for you. [NODS TO COREY].
[LEWANDOWSKI COCKS THE TRIGGER]
TORETTO: Okay. I’ll do it. But I’ll do it my way.
TRUMP: Fine, whatever, like I care about the details. But you’ll have a new member of your team this time. Someone I can trust to make sure that I don’t have to sue you after this is all over. Ivanka!
ROMAN: Are you all serious? This just went next-level! This has gone from crazy to superhero-crazy! There is NO way-
[ESTABLISHING SHOT, PAN UPWARD FROM HIGH HEELS TO REVEAL IVANKA STANDING IN DOORWAY. CASTING NOTE: I’M THINKING BLAKE LIVELY.]
IVANKA [looks at Roman]: Hello there.
ROMAN: Fortunately, I’ve done mission friggin’ insanity before. Okay, I’m in.
TRUMP: You’ve got 48 hours, Dom. If you fail, I’ll have no choice but to sue you and call in the Expendables to take out ISIS.
TORETTO: We’re going to need some cars….
So let me know what you think! I have a possible third-act plot twist where it turns out that former president Obama is part of the Islamic State like Trump implied, but I’d need to do some more focus-grouping of that angle if you want to go that way. Let’s do lunch soon!