Indeed, so many stories were coming so fast that some smaller ones got buried. For example, it turns out that the Trump Foundation gave money to actress Jenny McCarthy’s anti-vaccination charity. I think that story merits way more attention, but I’ll grant that there has been a lot of stuff flying around, so it got lost in the shuffle.
So here’s my question: Are there any more surprises that will drop between now and Election Day next week?
Seriously, what’s left that could happen? As someone who has been obsessing about this election for way too long, I now find myself experiencing some new level of numb, in which last-minute revelations can’t really shock me anymore. Last-minute FBI surprises? Sure, okay. Russian hacking? Why not!
Extrapolating from the flurry of bogus and not-so-bogus revelations that dropped Monday night, here are the surprises that might drop this week:
- Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump are kidnapped by rogue KGB agents demanding that Americans vote for the “right candidate” — or else. Six hours later, it turns out that Chelsea and Ivanka made up that story as a cover to let them go on a three-day bender in Atlantic City.
- Corey Lewandowski, in a moment of conscience, cracks under pressure and admits live on CNN that Donald Trump runs a giant international sex-trafficking ring.
- Gary Johnson pays for half an hour of television on all the cable news networks Monday night. In that half an hour, he calmly confesses that he’s actually an extraterrestrial from Dimension Zurg-7 and that it would be a “very good idea” to elect him president so his species doesn’t wipe out the planet.
- Hillary Clinton finally tells the world that she is a vampire, sworn to hunt down werewolves in a centuries-long conflict. The last bloodline of pure werewolves turns out to have been the Dumpf clan from Germany. In a battle royale on the night before Election Day, Clinton and her elite vampire team attacks Trump Tower and try to take down the entire Trump Clan.
- Trump is exposed as a candidate who doesn’t really care whether he tells the truth, has zero conception of how the global economy works, advocates giving Saudi Arabia nuclear weapons, announces an economic plan that would explode the deficit and send the United States into a recession, questioned the full faith and credit of the United States, and has handled every crisis in his campaign in the most immature fashion possible.
I wonder how many of those possibilities turn out to be true.