Which Halloween character will YOU be this year?

of these
7 Halloween
characters will you be this year?

Which of these 7 Halloween characters will you be this year?

Published on October 22, 2015

The Zombie Parent

The baby is stuffed in the big siblings’ stained pumpkin costume, the toddler is draped in the kindergartner’s torn Olaf costume, and the kindergartner is sporting the cheapest genuine Minion getup you could find. Your spouse is doling out stale Easter candy while trying to binge on “Orange Is the New Black,” and you lost the coin toss to see who got to stay home.


The Political Processor

You start thinking about next year’s Halloween costume on Nov. 1, but change your mind several times because you want to perfectly capture the zeitgeist. This year, you’re toggling between hitting the parties as Hillary Clinton’s e-mail server or Donald Trump’s hair.


The Stingy Neighbor

You buy a cheap bag of off-brand candy and put it in a chipped bowl outside your door with a note that says “Just Take ONE.” Then you retreat to your recliner and mutter darkly that some bratty kid is going to steal it all.


The Stodgy Dentist

Every year, you stock up on toothbrushes and tiny tubes of Crest. You are highly unpopular with children, who don’t care that their brush bristles resemble hedgehogs. But parents adore you for taking “buy new toothbrushes” off their to-do lists.


The Chopper Parent

You’ve bought giant candy bars you hate, to look generous but not fat. You’re either tailing your middle-schooler, who is half-dressed as Beyoncé, or home making sure the high-schooler doesn’t host an epic rager and the Yorkie doesn’t expire from anxiety.


The Testy Teen

You’re too old for a costume, too young for a Halloween kegger, so you slink around with a pillowcase because free candy. At the last minute, you fish your John Wall jersey out of your dirty clothes pile so you can claim you’re dressed as a basketball player.


The Wistful Empty-Nester

You’re fantasizing about grandchildren, so you buy enough snack-size candy bars to feed Liechtenstein (you can always bring the extra to work), dress yourself as Glinda the Good Witch and throw open the door to coo at the neighborhood kids, inadvertently making them wet their Minion costumes.



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