Look, not to get too “how the sausage is made” here, but if you want to interview a mascot, live and in-person, you’re really only going to be able to ask yes or no questions. You also can get them to display emotions. Mascots will happily show you their emotions, one of the many ways in which they are different from me.
That is why, when The Washington Post wanted to deep-dive into Gritty’s life, we got at him via email with questions about his home, his first season in the NHL, and various other mascot-related issues. We also asked him about Doritos. You’ll find his answers below in a Q&A that has been edited to remove a question with a typo, which was made by a Post reporter and not Gritty. I agree, that is embarrassing. (Gritty, for the record, refers to all his interviewers as “Allen.” It’s a good bit.)
I know we discussed this on-camera, but can you tell me more about your rookie season? What is your overall assessment? What has been your favorite thing so far?
I’ve done a lot of self-reflection these past couple days. I’m going to give it to you straight, very honest, maybe even a bit surprising. After a ton of analysis and video playback, I give myself two out of two thumbs up.
Do you have big plans for all-star weekend?
You know what they say, everything’s bigger in San Jose.
Can you take me through your daily morning routine? How does Gritty get it done?
Like a lot of you, my morning routine is pretty bland. I put my pants on two legs at a time, down a few cups of Joseph. Snooze button? No thanks.
Can you tell me what products you use for beard/hair care?
This question comes up quite often. It’s all natural, born this way, baby.
Do you play hockey, too? If so, what position?
Used to be an all-star in an air hockey league but suffered a brutal pinky injury playing defense. I don’t want to talk about it. Now I leave the professional hockeying to the professional hockeyers. Very comfortable in my role as #1 fan of the Flyers.
Where do you live?
In the hearts of every Flyers fan and the heads of every other NHL mascot.
What do you do to relax?
I’m a huge Frisbee golf guy. Catch me clanging chain out on the links every Sunday. Rain or shine.
Are you interested in the postmodern thought of Michel Foucault?
Well, Allen, no.
Do you ever get to hang out with your best friend Claude? What do you guys like to do for fun?
Claude’s a busy guy, but we write each other almost every day. We’ll get a lot of QT out there in San Jose (he’s my All Star).
What is your No. 1 favorite thing about Claude?
No, Claude is No. 28. Keep up, Allen.
Do you ever get to hang out with other mascots?
Sure do! The Philly mascots have bi-weekly slumber parties (schedules permitting). Outrageous pillow fights, Swoop is the best partner. The Phanatic always brings next level snacks. Franklin tells the best ghost stories.
Did you make friends with the bird yet or is he still on notice?
Talk to animal control, he’s their problem now.
Is the Phanatic your dad? Or just your neighbor?
A neighbor. The best neighbor. Always has a teaspoon of sugar to lend and calls me when he sees a package on my front porch. You should see the guy’s lawn stripes, impeccable. He cuts at a crisp 90 degrees.
What do you think it means when people say you are a worker?
I always just assume that means I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.
I’m going to name some foods below. Can you tell me how you feel about them:
- Cheesesteaks: yes
- Doritos (Cool Ranch): cool
- Doritos (Nacho Cheese): what do you mean not my cheese?
- Zamboni dust: YAM (the yas to my yum)
- Gravy: dranketh with two straws via boat
- Tastykakes: that they are
- Otis Spunkmeyer cookies: never met him.
- Doritos (Whatever the flavor is in the purple bag): I don’t think purple is a flavor.
What is the best Wawa order?
Have you played Wawa Screen Roulette? Eyes closed — tap, tap, tap, complete order.
Do you read your own press clippings?
No, but I clip my own press readings.
Which Washington Post effort do you think is more important: this one or that Watergate thing?
You mean like a dam? You’ve really lost me here, Allen.
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