Floyd Mayweather Jr., left, and Conor McGregor each will make nine figures for their fight Saturday. (Frank Franklin II/Associate Press)
Columnist

I am writing this column under protest — yeah, I know, usually most of you read this column under protest, so now we’re even — because today I am writing about the unfathomably unholier-than-thou Floyd Mayweather-Conor McGregor fisticuffs Saturday in Las Vegas.

This is the fight that everybody wants and nobody wants.

If you are in the “everybody” camp, it will be $100 to pay-per-view it in the comfort of your home or $40 to watch the carnage at a movie theater surrounded by other popcorn-eating, bloodthirsty souls.

If you are in the “nobody” camp, then I invite you to my modest house for a night of reverie and Twister; Toni will cook her delightful fried squash blossoms, and Daisy will show you her favorite rescue-pit-mix-roll-over-and-play-almost-dead-for-milk-bone-treats trick.

Seriously, who among us wants to give “Pretty Boy” Floyd another shiny penny from our depleted pockets?

But before we deconstruct Mayweather, let’s first evaluate this farce of a fight.

In terms of legitimate sporting event, Jesse Owens vs. a racehorse in a 100-yard dash in 1936 probably eclipses Mayweather-McGregor in 2017 — at least the Olympic gold medalist and the 5-year-old gelding both knew how to run.

No small point here: This is a boxing match, and McGregor, a UFC superstar, does not box. He never has boxed. He cannot box. He is, uh, not a boxer, and he will be boxing one of the most skilled fighters in boxing history.

Paying McGregor $100 million to box is like paying Justin Bieber $100 million to dry-wall your family room.

Meanwhile, paying Mayweather anything is exceedingly exceptionable.

Give the man credit: He has earned $700 million in his boxing career boring us to death in the ring. But I can’t understand why patrons keep filling his coffers when he won’t pay taxes and won’t stop hitting women.

The IRS says Mayweather is in arrears on his 2015 tax bill — the year he earned $220 million for the Manny Pacquiao bout — and last month filed a petition asking the IRS to allow him to pay the balance after he picks up another nine-figure score for fighting McGregor.

Apparently the 40-year-old took this payday to pay his back taxes — Mayweather is a latter-day Willie Nelson, minus the marijuana — which means he will have to schedule another mega-bout in 2019 to pay off his inevitable back taxes for 2017.

The petition said, “Although the taxpayer has substantial assets, those assets are restricted and primarily illiquid.”

Two thoughts here:

1. It’s nice to see that Mayweather, like most fellow Americans, is “primarily illiquid.”

2. If he sold the $15 million worth of exotic cars that sit in his Las Vegas garage — he doesn’t drive any of them — he then would be less primarily illiquid.

Mayweather posted to Instagram that he paid $26 million in taxes in 2015 and asked, “What else could they possibly want?”

Uh, MORE MONEY, I would imagine.

In Mayweather’s defense, his nickname is “Money,” not “Tax Money.”

However, there is no defense for Mayweather’s history of domestic violence.

He is a serial batterer of women, with at least seven assaults against five women that have resulted in arrest or citation.

Yet Mayweather told Rachel Nichols on CNN three years ago that “everything has been allegations, nothing has been proven, so, you know, that’s life. . . . No pictures, just hearsay and allegations.”

Somehow, just hearsay and allegations put him in jail in 2012 for two months on misdemeanor battery charges for attacking the mother of three of his children, arm-twisting and punching her.

Frankly, until he stops hitting women, he shouldn’t be allowed to hit men.

Ask The Slouch

Q. In your previous marriages, did either you or your ex-spouses request platelet-rich plasma injections to heal the inflammations that were developing in the conjugal bond? (Brad Sachs; Columbia)

A. Duh.

Q. Should an umpire whose call is reversed on replay be required to apologize to the aggrieved player, or would that slow the game down too much? (Kim Hemphill; South Riding)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Kim Jong Un recently stated that he will watch what “the foolish Yankees” do before making a decision on firing missiles. How does he feel about the Mets? (Jim O’Brien; Racine, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. The NFL keeps score in preseason games. Should Major League Baseball track batting-practice stats? (Paul Walorski; Columbus, Ind.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Will the suspended Dallas Cowboys players be forming an exhibition baseball team? (Roger Strauss; Silver Spring)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

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