There’s no point in continuing to list the Washington Redskins’ needs at this point. They need so many things, but Christmas is coming and I’m sure Mikey Shanahan has sent his list to Santa Snyder, c/o the North Pole.
The offensive line is in tatters; they need a quarterback and a big-time receiver for him to throw to — because while the Brandon-Banks-to-Santana-Moss combo is fun, it’s probably not going to work every week. They need . . . never mind; said I wasn’t going to do it, and there I go.
(The Redskins need to do a better job of protecting Banks, though. The Pats were so impressed with his versatility that after the game, Rob Gronkowski tried to smuggle him out of FedEx Field is his cleats. Luckily, John Beck was looking to get some pointers from Banks, heard his wee cries for help and rescued him.)
Let’s face it: The Redskins are playing out the string, so let’s turn our attention to the FedEx experience, which has yet to be . . . perfected, shall we say.
First, loved the Army-Navy end zones. Loved ’em. Didn’t miss the “Redskins” in the end zone. We know the home team is the Redskins. You can’t swing your old McNabb jersey in that place without hitting the word “Redskins.” So why not have fun with the end zones? Maybe a throwback week with “Billy” in one and “Sonny” in the other. Or have a Papa John’s topping tie-in: one sausage, one pepperoni, and the touchdowns scored in each determine the toppings Redskins fans get the next day. Fun, unless you don’t eat meat, in which case Papa John’s might not be your go-to restaurant anyway.
Next, let’s deal with the interlopers in the end zone seats. If the Redskins receivers are going to steal the Lambeau Leap, the team should give them a little help.
The club can’t prevent Redskins fans from selling their tickets to visiting fans — hence the large number of Patriots fans at Sunday’s game — but before kickoff, the Redskins should send around a minion or two to stick large burgundy and gold arrows on the walls pointing to Redskins fans willing and able to “receive” receivers. That way, poor Jabar Gaffney doesn’t end up flopping onto the unreceptive lap of a Patriots fan.
(The guy could have been a mensch and prevented Gaffney from breaking both legs; it’s the holidays, for heaven’s sake. And I would swear the guy sitting two seats down was wearing Packers gear. What’s up with that?)
At least those seats weren’t vacant; too many times this season camera shots show empty seats at FedEx. You can’t bring in seat fillers as if it’s the Oscars; think what that would do to the already wretched traffic. That issue remains on the “to be solved” list. Winning would certainly help.
That leaves the issue of the party decks, or whatever is to be done with those seats that have been ripped out. I’ve been opposed to the notion of party decks, and the suspensions of Fred Davis and Trent Williams haven’t changed my mind. Marijuana is illegal and drinking alcohol (at the legal age) isn’t; but the line is thin, and it’ll be interesting to see how the team can avoid being hypocritical in marketing an elevated space that encourages drinking. Aren’t there enough intoxicated drivers on the Beltway as it is?
How about a party platform of a different sort? Put a former Redskin in charge. Relocate the Redskins’ band up there and mic ’em up big time — I’ve never enjoyed watching the traditional marching band performance with the less-than-traditional dance team. (Ladies, “The Replacements” was a movie, not an instructional video. You know what I mean.)
Embrace the D.C.-ness of it all: Have some local musicians sit in — Chuck Brown, Denyce Graves. Add in our wounded warriors, some high-achieving kids from local schools, a local athlete — Lamont Peterson would have been perfect on Sunday.
Of course, they’ll need to watch the door, because nothing can ruin a party more than the wrong element. Going 4-12 is bad enough without Albert Haynesworth or the Salahis showing up uninvited.