Are these the darkest days of our democracy since the Civil War? Don’t know for sure, but with the White House, the Falcons’ unforgivable collapse and the Patriots’ unholy dynasty, I’m pretty certain Paul Revere would be worried about more than the British if he were riding through the streets these days.

With the Constitution — and a Yuengling — by my side, I watched Super Bowl Sunday. As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:

2:03 p.m. ET: Cooper Manning on the red carpet? What, Fox doesn't have the budget to get Peyton or Eli?

2:15: We see Falcons offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan eating on the team bus — apparently his playbook does not include "room service."

3:02: Jerry Jones tells Pam Oliver that big high school stadiums in Texas attract people to move into those communities. Huh. I just want a Piggy Wiggly nearby.

3:55: Jim Gray interviews President Trump on Westwood One, calling to mind Dennis Rodman's chats with Kim Jong Un in 2013.

3:59: Bill O'Reilly interviews Trump on Fox, calling to mind various sexual harassment charges.

4:44: Here's the thing about the Viagra single pack: It just seems to put a lot of pressure on knowing the right moment to use it.

5:17: I don't think Bill Belichick even knows he's had a pencil on his right ear since July 2013.

5:28: Morgan Freeman for . . . Turkish Airlines? What's next, Mickey Rourke for Charmin Ultra Soft?

6:06: I know we have tipped capacity when we're analyzing the officiating crew just before kickoff.

6:27: My pooch Daisy just took a knee to protest the absence of female pit bull mix rescue dogs at Puppy Bowl.

6:33: George H.W. Bush does the coin-toss honors. If Trump did it, something tells me we would lose the coin.

6:55: The Falcons sack Tom Brady for second time in three plays; I thought the president had signed an executive order prohibiting this.

7:05: First quarter goes by so fast, Patriots can't even set up their illegal videotaping equipment.

7:20: I realize he's just acting, but when Christopher Walken speaks, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.

7:45: Robert Alford's 82-yard pick-six off Brady gives the Falcons a 21-0 lead — it feels like the third day of my first marriage again!

8:07: Show of hands out there — how many of you will be shopping at Tiffany & Co. this year?

8:13: I realize she's enormously talented, but when Lady Gaga performs, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.

8:36: The Falcons' offense hasn't been on field for 1 hour 8 minutes; on the sideline, center Alex Mack binge-watched "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events" on Netflix.

8:39: I now use replay during dinner — eventually we get it right, but everything is cold.

8:40: For real: Walt Coleman is on sideline. Why? For a tuck-rule redux?

8:51: If the Patriots rally to win, I will move to Mexico and start to build the border wall myself.

9:14: Matt Ryan calls a timeout because he can't hear anything on the helmet radio. Belichick!!!

9:37: Ryan loses a fumble. I lose my lunch, and I haven't even eaten today.

9:48: Julio Jones could catch a food pellet in pitch darkness.

9:59: After Julian Edelman's miracle, tragic catch, I will watch the rest of this game standing on my head for proper blood flow.

10:06: It was 28-3; it is now ­28-28. It now feels like the third year of my first marriage.

10:14: They don't plan for overtime, so where do they find more new T-Mobile commercials?

10:23: That is a comeback for the ages. I just wish I hadn't lived to see it.

10:25: If it were my call, the United States would secede from New England.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I saw an item recently in The Economist — the very British Economist, no less — about the World Bowling Singles Championship in Doha, Qatar. Might bowling be too highfalutin for you? (David Blackburn; Gaithersburg)

A. They're bowling now in Qatar? Those lanes must have the best oil patterns in the world.

Q. Who are you siding with in the LeBron James-Charles Barkley kerfuffle? (William Shipp; Albuquerque )

A. Mark Twain once said, "Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel." Advantage, Sir Charles.

Q. Is Roger Goodell behind the movement to establish California as a separate nation so he can speed up the process to get four NFL teams into a foreign market? (Stan Duda; Wynantskill, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com, and if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!