With the Constitution — and a Yuengling — by my side, I watched Super Bowl Sunday. As usual, I took it all in and took copious notes:
2:03 p.m. ET: Cooper Manning on the red carpet? What, Fox doesn't have the budget to get Peyton or Eli?
2:15: We see Falcons offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan eating on the team bus — apparently his playbook does not include "room service."
3:02: Jerry Jones tells Pam Oliver that big high school stadiums in Texas attract people to move into those communities. Huh. I just want a Piggy Wiggly nearby.
3:55: Jim Gray interviews President Trump on Westwood One, calling to mind Dennis Rodman's chats with Kim Jong Un in 2013.
3:59: Bill O'Reilly interviews Trump on Fox, calling to mind various sexual harassment charges.
4:44: Here's the thing about the Viagra single pack: It just seems to put a lot of pressure on knowing the right moment to use it.
5:17: I don't think Bill Belichick even knows he's had a pencil on his right ear since July 2013.
5:28: Morgan Freeman for . . . Turkish Airlines? What's next, Mickey Rourke for Charmin Ultra Soft?
6:06: I know we have tipped capacity when we're analyzing the officiating crew just before kickoff.
6:27: My pooch Daisy just took a knee to protest the absence of female pit bull mix rescue dogs at Puppy Bowl.
6:33: George H.W. Bush does the coin-toss honors. If Trump did it, something tells me we would lose the coin.
6:55: The Falcons sack Tom Brady for second time in three plays; I thought the president had signed an executive order prohibiting this.
7:05: First quarter goes by so fast, Patriots can't even set up their illegal videotaping equipment.
7:20: I realize he's just acting, but when Christopher Walken speaks, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.
7:45: Robert Alford's 82-yard pick-six off Brady gives the Falcons a 21-0 lead — it feels like the third day of my first marriage again!
8:07: Show of hands out there — how many of you will be shopping at Tiffany & Co. this year?
8:13: I realize she's enormously talented, but when Lady Gaga performs, it scares the living bejeebers out of me.
8:36: The Falcons' offense hasn't been on field for 1 hour 8 minutes; on the sideline, center Alex Mack binge-watched "Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events" on Netflix.
8:39: I now use replay during dinner — eventually we get it right, but everything is cold.
8:40: For real: Walt Coleman is on sideline. Why? For a tuck-rule redux?
8:51: If the Patriots rally to win, I will move to Mexico and start to build the border wall myself.
9:14: Matt Ryan calls a timeout because he can't hear anything on the helmet radio. Belichick!!!
9:37: Ryan loses a fumble. I lose my lunch, and I haven't even eaten today.
9:48: Julio Jones could catch a food pellet in pitch darkness.
9:59: After Julian Edelman's miracle, tragic catch, I will watch the rest of this game standing on my head for proper blood flow.
10:06: It was 28-3; it is now 28-28. It now feels like the third year of my first marriage.
10:14: They don't plan for overtime, so where do they find more new T-Mobile commercials?
10:23: That is a comeback for the ages. I just wish I hadn't lived to see it.
10:25: If it were my call, the United States would secede from New England.
Q. I saw an item recently in The Economist — the very British Economist, no less — about the World Bowling Singles Championship in Doha, Qatar. Might bowling be too highfalutin for you? (David Blackburn; Gaithersburg)
A. They're bowling now in Qatar? Those lanes must have the best oil patterns in the world.
Q. Who are you siding with in the LeBron James-Charles Barkley kerfuffle? (William Shipp; Albuquerque )
A. Mark Twain once said, "Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel." Advantage, Sir Charles.
Q. Is Roger Goodell behind the movement to establish California as a separate nation so he can speed up the process to get four NFL teams into a foreign market? (Stan Duda; Wynantskill, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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