Who doesn’t know Goop by now? The lifestyle brand from actress Gwyneth Paltrow — beloved by some, derided by others, sued by California prosecutors for deceptive advertising — is nearly a household name. And now the company known for its jade-egg insertions, personal steaming and intimate-body-part-scented candles is going to sea.
In partnership with Celebrity Cruises (a fitting match, given the players involved), the company will launch its first “Goop at Sea” experience this summer during a Mediterranean cruise. An announcement promises one day full of events with Paltrow, chief content officer Elise Loehnen, “their very best healers” and experts in body, mind and soul. The 11-night cruise will include menu items curated with help from Goop’s food editor.
“There will also be fun, Goopy surprises and amenities available throughout your cruise,” the website says, promising details on the “Goopified perks” soon.
All this for $750 — on top of the price of the sailing itself. Only those who book suite-class cabins (which start at $4,199 per person) on the Aug. 26 sailing aboard the new Celebrity Apex are eligible to buy the retreat tickets.
We don’t know for sure what the Goopy surprises will be, but here are some of our best guesses:
All-you-can-drink hot water with lemon
A cruise is a great place for this, because water is always free (unlike soda, which nobody taking part in this experience will drink). To further Goopify, we can see participants adding the Goopglow Morning Skin Superpowder, which is actually something to drink rather than apply to skin.
Synchronized, expert-led rose quartz face-rolling
What is face-rolling? Why is rose quartz involved? A beauty expert leads a group in the solarium as each participant wields their double-sided roller from chin to cheeks to forehead. Taking cues from the leader, they gently apply the smaller side to eyelids and under-eye circles, pampering the face and also toning the arms. In the background, someone plays a crystal singing bowl.
The goal: a soothed, awakened, facially massaged self.
This should be followed by a primer on dry-brushing. Which involves skin, not hair, just for the record.
Vitamin D power hour
Goop loves vitamins: D, B, A, C, pretty much all of the vitamins. Sells packets full of 'em. But this session is, simply, sunbathing. (With the appropriate clean, non-toxic, nourishing sunblock.)
Time to get aggro in the ship’s theater. Feeling tension, stress, anger or frustration? Yell it out in a guided exertion class, where a professional will share breath- and volume-control tips. Bonus idea: Open the audience up to non-Goop cruisers for audience validation.
Communal martini-themed bath soak
Celebrity Apex has martini-shaped hot tubs, elevated high up on the pool deck. Goop sells “The Martini” Emotional Detox Bath Soak, with Himalayan pink salt and chia seed oil. A match made in heaven? Probably, unless all that goop wreaks havoc on the equipment.
Special guest speaker
We predict you’ll hear from former presidential candidate Marianne Williamson — who has had more time on her hands since dropping out of the race in January — about the power of love, her proposed Department of Peace and her long-term rivalry with the prime minister of New Zealand.
We’re talking psychic vampires here, not the kind that need to be offed with a stake and strategically placed garlic. No, these are the emotional monsters than can (maybe?) be vanquished with Psychic Vampire Repellent, an “essential oil blend of lavender, rosemary, and juniper” that Goop sells as an "energy-refreshing scent with a tendency to conjure up positivity.”
After a busy day of rolling, brushing, soaking and psychic-vampire-slaying, sleep should come easy. But if not, the Goop cruise should have a special turn-down service to help: Chocolate-mint-flavored melanin chews nestled on a silk pillowcase doused in lavender pillow spray. The final piece, because who doesn’t love a fungus-filled beverage before floating off to sleep, is hot cacao with cinnamon, cardamom and reishi mushroom.