People gather on the banks of the Tidal Basin, March 21, 2018. (Melina Mara/The Washington Post)

Humor

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Dear Diary,

The meteorologists are saying there’s a chance of an impactful snowstorm in the 8-9 day range. I shouldn’t get excited because there is a good chance it will miss us to the south. I went ahead and bought milk and toilet paper anyway because it’s better to be safe than sorry. I’m not at all consumed by the excitement of this. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am!


Sunday, December 2, 2018

Dear Diary,

Most weather models keep the snow to our south, but there is one model that absolutely crushes my house! Something like a gazillion inches of snow, the likes of which haven’t been experienced here since 1878. I think meteorologists say that all the crazy weather happened in 1878 because no one was alive to say otherwise and cellphone cameras weren’t a thing yet. I can’t contain my excitement!!! It’s going to snow! I can feel it.


Monday, December 3, 2018

Dear Diary,

This thing is likely going south. All the models are now saying so. L Why? Why does the South get to revel in something they don’t appreciate? It’s unjust. The Mid-Atlantic deserves this. We constantly toil in mediocre snow seasons, 1878 notwithstanding.


Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Dear Diary,

Whoa. The one model that predicted a gazillion inches of snow on Sunday, but changed its mind on Monday, is back with a vengeance! It says we will get more than a gazillion inches of snow with this storm sometime Sunday evening.

In 150 years, meteorologists will be comparing their snowstorms to 2018!!! I have enough toilet paper but I’ll likely get some more just in case. If this is as bad as the one low-confidence model predicts, I certainly want to be prepared.


Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Dear Diary,

Local news outlets are trolling me. Well, not me specifically, just my type. They’ve taken to Twitter with confidence to announce that we will not see one flake of snow with this storm. Then they got all science-y on me about the jet stream and blah, blah, blah.

Mother Nature, if you can you make it snow here, not for my enjoyment, but to prove those overconfident meteorologists wrong, I would really appreciate it. They deserve to be wrong. Just once.


Thursday, December 6, 2018

Dear Diary,

All hope is lost. Even the normally reserved Capital Weather Gang meteorologists are saying this won’t be 1878. It won’t even be 2008. Sigh.

Where did I go wrong in my life? I’m kind to other people. I work hard. I purposely didn’t buy a snowblower, so there shouldn’t be a winter jinx. Hot weather lovers are guaranteed hot weather in their favorite season. Snow lovers are only guaranteed disappointment in ours.


Friday, December 7, 2018

Dear Diary,

Maybe if I return the toilet paper (unused rolls of course), that would reverse the snow jinx. I’ll call my local grocer. Still no snow predicted for Sunday.


Saturday, December 8, 2018

Dear Diary,

Winter storm warning in Charlotte, N.C. Charlotte?! I can’t stand Charlotte. I’m sure it’s a fine little city, but they are being given a gift they are incapable of appreciating. Those Charlatans don’t even own mittens.


Sunday, December 9, 2018

Dear Diary,

It’s 1878 in Charlotte. I will never do this again — get excited about a snowstorm that will only serve to break my heart. Never again.


Monday, December 10, 2018

Dear Diary,

The meteorologists are saying there’s a chance of an impactful snowstorm in the 8-9 day range. I shouldn’t get excited because there is a good chance it will miss us to the south. I went ahead and bought milk and toilet paper anyway because it’s better to be safe than sorry. I’m not at all consumed by the excitement of this. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course I am!