A foreboding sky over Washington on March 22. (Jim Havard/Flickr)

Humor

Dear March,

We, the Society of Calendar Months, are permanently disbarring you from continuing to operate in your allotted time slot. This disbarment is effective immediately.

Due to your incredibly volatile temperament and bullying tactics over the past several millennia, we are demanding an immediate revocation of your rights to operate autonomously in the third Julian time slot.

As you know, this Society must work together to ensure peaceful transitions on a monthly basis. Your actions, however, have been to undermine this transition, and as a result of your repeated coup attempts, the Society has no choice but to sever ties with you. We should’ve seen this coming. After all, you were named after the Roman god of war.

While the Society recognizes that your job was perhaps the most difficult of the 12, this does not justify the misappropriation of goodwill you have created and that we have sought to avoid since 45 B.C.

The Society understands the emotional toll of experiencing all four seasons in your 31 days, and we are certain that being referred to as the “Roller Coaster Month” hasn’t been easy for you. However, it is simply unacceptable to go from a snowy 29 degrees in the morning to a sunny 72 degrees by the evening.

The Society recognizes and allows Months to operate with variability. After all, this is not an exact science. But the pressure you are constantly under does not justify the behavior you have displayed.

Furthermore, simply using the common catchphrase “In like a lion, out like a lamb” to justify your abhorrent behavior is no longer acceptable to the Society. Quite frankly, lions would not behave in a manner as unprofessionally as you have.

Immediate disbarment should’ve taken place the moment you co-opted the last few days of February to further your goals of calendar domination. This behavior was a serious misappropriation of public trust. The Society recognizes that your ego is in part the result of the Romans’ allowing you to operate as the first month for hundreds of years. That, however, does not excuse your unprofessional attitude toward the rest of us. No one expects May to display the open hostility that you have.

The Society unanimously votes to instate Feb. 29, 30 and 31 as recognized calendar dates. The remaining 28 days of your vacated time slot will be divvied up by the rest of us, based on whatever weather is forecast on that day. For example, if the old March 12 is expected to be a cold 42 degrees, we will call it “January 12(alternate).”

While the Society understands the inherent risks of altering the calendar, the chaos of climate change makes this an unavoidable reality.

May the wind be at your back.

Sincerely,

January, February, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December

Josh Lorenzo (a.k.a. AoS/Author of Sarcasm) is a longtime reader and active contributor to witty comments on the Capital Weather Gang blog.

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