Dear June,

We, the Society of Calendar Months, have received your annual renewal application to continue operating in the sixth Julian time slot for 2019. During our thorough review, we have discovered several discrepancies that require your immediate attention. As we are currently in June, failure to promptly address the society’s concerns will result in permanent disbarment from your currently occupied time slot.

The most concerning issue in your renewal application is your response to the question asking you to provide a reason you believe you should remain in your current position. This has raised serious concerns among members of the Society, namely July and August.

“People who despise summer don’t mind June because they aren’t sick of hot weather yet,” is offensive to the summer months that follow and therefore unacceptable to the Society. Please revise your answer to this question and resubmit immediately. The Society frowns upon its members making themselves feel better by berating their colleagues.

While the Society recognizes that the longest days in the Northern Hemisphere do fall within your parameters, this does not automatically entitle you to berate the darker months.

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I have more daylight than all of you” is immature and an embarrassing reflection of the cooperation and camaraderie we expect from our members.

You stated as part of your strengths and weaknesses that you are international men’s month. This is a wonderful representation of what the Society strives to achieve. However, history indicates that June has been a very popular moniker for females. Please explain how that fact supports your desire to remain international men’s month? Furthermore, please consider donating this achievement to a more manly sounding month. Perhaps November?

Apologies if we don’t understand your intended sarcasm, but how is eating ice cream for dinner an acceptable form of exercise, just because it’s being done outdoors? While your patrons are certainly entitled to enjoy their just deserts outside, this doesn’t mean you can consider it exercise. That is misleading. According to our records, the 10th month has never considered outdoor Octoberfest consumption exercise when they’ve submitted their renewal application.

Again, “urban heating” and “extra daylight for sunburns” are not acceptable responses to the question asking you to explain what measures you take to provide enjoyment for your patrons. Responses like “walks along lilac-scented trails” and “the serenity of birds serenading you as you cook delightful foods outdoors” are far more reasonable responses. Consider moving your outdoor dessert consumption to this section, as well.

While the Society appreciates that you took the time to complete your renewal application, the Society doesn’t appreciate the brazen entitlement we feel you are displaying in your responses. Therefore, the Society expects you to take the questions seriously and to resubmit in a timely fashion.

As you are aware, we recently fired March for insubordination, and we will not hesitate to do the same in this situation.

Sincerely yours,

January, February, March, April, May, July, August, September, October, November and December

Josh Lorenzo (a.k.a. AoS/Author of Sarcasm) is a longtime reader and active contributor to witty comments on the Capital Weather Gang blog.

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