Congratulations to you, residents of Washington, Maryland and Virginia. We’re within hours of doing the impossible: surviving another hellacious summer here, one that just hasn’t given up even though the calendar reads “fall.”

As the great philosopher, yours truly, once said: “In the summertime, relief is never given. It’s earned.” We have definitely earned the weather reprieve we have been hoping to get, but it may not arrive until late October or by the end of December/mid- to late January. Fingers crossed we get it by Valentine’s Day. Or, at least, maybe March?

If you thought this summer was hotter than ever before, you’re right!

In the more than three months since summer began, we’ve had an estimated 552 days at or above 90 degrees. Of those 552 days at or above 90 degrees, 628 had relative humidity at “sweat in under 30 seconds” levels.

In fact, according to AAA data, there were 33,349 calls for heat-related melted car tires. That’s up 22 percent from last summer.

Otolaryngologists indicate that white-noise complaints have increased 10-fold since 2018. The reason? Our air-conditioning systems haven’t turned off since late May; not even once.

“Ear drums are being driven to madness,” said physician Jim Newhaus, “but the co-pays are so, so sweet.”

Another troubling consequence of our perpetual summer is the mosquito problem. Local entomologists confirm that this year alone, mosquitoes have quadrupled in size and become so common that groups of them are showing up on weather radar. One Rockville resident claimed that when he went to smack a flying intruder off his arm, the mosquito laughed and smacked him back, before taking her requisite blood meal and flying off.

“Darndest thing I ever saw,” said the 72-year-old victim.

Skippy, a golden retriever from Arlington, said: “I haven’t relieved myself outside in months. A dog of my standing cannot relieve himself in these offensively hot conditions.” Skippy’s owner, Bill, rolled his eyes and confirmed this before heading back downstairs to scrub the carpet.

Residents of Dupont Circle haven’t been able to keep water in their bird baths. “I stand out there for 36 hours straight, holding the running hose over the bath, while the finches use their wings to motion for me to keep it coming,” Frances Wilson said.

Perhaps the most troubling sign of our never-ending Mid-Atlantic summer has been the willingness of residents to believe that an 88-degree day is refreshingly cool. In fact, it’s not.

Meteorologists at the National Weather Service confirmed that the Mid-Atlantic did not see even one cold front pass through all summer.

Canadian cold fronts confirm that, too.

“Yeah, I got to southeastern Ohio in late July and couldn’t proceed through the suffocating air mass on the other side of the Appalachian Mountains. It was impenetrable,” said a Canadian High Pressure System, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss a controversial weather-related issue. “I turned around and went back home, eh.”

Local meteorologists suggest the following steps can be taken to avoid the calamitous pitfalls of our local summers.

1) Either move as far away as possible (to the north, obviously), or

2) Stop complaining.

Residents here are resilient, though, and won’t be scared away by Mother Nature’s wrath.

“Sure,” said Bethesda resident Nick King. “I may be late to work due to melted car tires, or I may be driven insane by the never-ending noise of my AC unit. Heck, a mosquito might abduct me one night and carry me to its lair where I will be forced to become a constant blood meal for her and her spawn for all of eternity, but this is my home. And I love it."

Josh Lorenzo (a.k.a. AoS/Author of Sarcasm) is a longtime reader and active contributor to witty comments on the Capital Weather Gang blog.