Some breaks in the clouds above the U.S. Capitol. (Frank Sellin/Twitter)

Dear January,

After reviewing our records, we, the Society of Calendar Months, have a simple question: What is going on with you?

Your behavior this year was nothing short of embarrassing. Based on our observations, you appeared to be modeling your actions after April. Have you gone rogue?

The society does not require you to behave like April, or any other month for that matter. April can handle April. You are simply expected to be near average for your designated time of year, and this year, you have been anything but.

Your lack of adherence is troubling to the members of this society, and further noncompliance could lead to your immediate dismissal. There is precedent for this radical move.

As you may recall, we fired March last year for insubordination and we will not hesitate to do the same to you.

Yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to have a few days comfortably out of your average, in temperature and precipitation. We encourage some autonomy out of every month. However, take a look around you, man! There are humans walking around in shorts! Birds are singing like it’s spring! The Great Lakes barely have ice coverage! Boston has barely had snow! You put all the snow in Newfoundland for some strange reason, causing an emergency!

Your behavior is making us use too many exclamation marks!

Don’t even get us started on your lack of wintry precipitation. We’ve heard the District is going to offer school closures for rain the rest of this winter, just to boost the morale of its students. You, sir, owe the Mid-Atlantic at least one Alberta clipper!

Quite frankly, your behavior is placing an undue burden on February to meet wintry precipitation goals. You, along with the society, understand the perils of pressuring the shortest month.


Winter snowfall as of Jan. 28. (Ian Livingston/The Washington Post)

Perhaps even more concerning to the society is how your behavior appears to be influencing the early parts of this month. As you know, February models its behavior after yours. It looks up to you. The society expects all of its members to respect each other and to set examples for the months to follow. As the first month of the year, you, more than any other month, bear the most responsibility.

To be frank, you have failed miserably this year.

While we fully recognize it is too late to correct such a gross misalignment this year, the society will be examining your behavior closely in 2021. A repeat performance will not be tolerated.

It is our hope that you will take the sufficient amount of time to reflect on your aberrant behavior and come back next year ready to work for the greater good.

Sincerely,

February, March, April, May, Entitled June, July, August, September, October, November and December

Josh Lorenzo (a.k.a. AoS/Author of Sarcasm) is a longtime reader and active contributor to witty comments on the Capital Weather Gang blog.

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