I can even slurp cicada larvae from their tunnels in the ground faster than my owner can slurp spaghetti noodles off his dinner plate. Mmm.
Some of you may know that cicadas are an excellent food source, high in protein and low in fat, but sometimes their wings irritate my tummy.
When I get sick, it usually happens in the middle of the night after a long day of feasting. My owner always wakes up and rushes me into the bathroom. He must prefer to have my partially-digested cicada carcasses splatter on a tile floor instead of the deep pile carpet. I can’t imagine why.
In my younger days, back in March, I was fully potty-trained. Then, I had a daily routine to do my business on outside walks every morning, afternoon and evening.
But not now. There is no time to worry about trivial matters like going on potty walks when I can hunt cicadas instead. My priorities have changed.
Due to my new priorities and sudden, protein-rich diet, I lay down impressive poops on the family room floor.
Of course, my owner scolds me when I make a mess in the family room, but all I hear is, “blah blah blah.” I’m used to it now. I give him a look that says, “Oh, please, just clean it up and take me back outside so I can eat more cicadas.”
Two weeks ago, a muzzle arrived in the mail. My owner put it on me, and it clamped my mouth shut. How scary!
I ran around the living room in circles like I was in tremendous pain, pawing at my nose and looking downright pathetic. My owner was horrified, and he took off the muzzle, and I am sure he felt awful that he put me through such a dreadful ordeal. Then, five minutes later, I was outside with no muzzle eating cicadas.
A week later, another muzzle arrived in the mail, and this one felt comfortable. I trotted outside into the yard wearing my new muzzle and immediately spotted a cicada. I quickly used my paw to pull the muzzle below my mouth, and I swallowed the cicada in one bite. I thought my owner’s head was going to explode.
He ran over and tightened the muzzle as much as possible. Veins were bulging in his head as he grumbled.
When he walked away, I found another cicada in the grass. Once again, I tugged on the muzzle with my paw, and it popped off my face like the first time. Victory! I munched down another cicada and never saw that muzzle again.
Two days ago, a third muzzle arrived in the mail. This one felt comfortable, just like the last one. I confidently walked into the yard wearing the muzzle and spied a cicada. I pulled at the muzzle with my paw, but it was too snug to budge.
I didn’t panic. I calmly yanked on the muzzle with both feet simultaneously and rubbed my face on the ground. But I was still muzzled!
I then began to panic and frantically tried to eat cicadas through the muzzle. Oh, how I tried. The cicadas were so close I could taste them, but I couldn’t eat them. They would not squish through the mesh of the muzzle no matter how hard I pushed.
After a few minutes, cicadas began to perch on my muzzle when I tried to eat them. One cicada even landed on top of my muzzle and looked me in the eyes with a cold stare. But, of course, they all knew I was powerless to eat them.
It was so humiliating. Thank goodness none of them decided to mate on my muzzle. I don’t think I could have handled that.
Since I started wearing the snug-fitting muzzle on my walks, I have not eaten a single cicada. Not one! I’m pretty sure I’m losing weight, and I’m getting hungry because my belly isn’t full of those delicious, giant bugs.
I’ve decided my new, cicada-free life reminds me of an old movie my owner watched called “Gone with the Wind.” In that film, Scarlett O’Hara says, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”
That’s me! I’m in the same situation as Scarlett, but imagine Scarlett hungry for cicadas and wearing a muzzle.
So from now on, I will be like Scarlett. “After all, tomorrow is another day.” For hunting cicadas, of course.
But in the meantime, I just left a big present in the family room to let my owner know I’m not happy with my muzzle. So he’ll get the message. He’s used to it by now.
Note from Max’s owner: The muzzle that finally worked is a Crazy Felix Nylon Dog Muzzle XS size found on Amazon. Max has adapted well to it but refuses to stop hunting cicadas, even though he can’t eat them. He is a lovable and good-natured dog, and we’re looking forward to going back to his old routine.
Kevin Ambrose — a person — reports about cicadas for the Capital Weather Gang.