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Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loudly.

If a door is locked, karate chop it open.

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together maniacally.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

After exposure to radiation be aware that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: Watch your head.

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand.

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run away.

Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run.





© 2004 The Washington Post Company