A guide to owning small talk at your next holiday party

By WP BrandStudio

The holiday season often brings warm invitations to festive holiday functions—office happy hours, PTA potlucks and parties with our cousins and in-laws. Amid the appetizers and holiday cocktails, there is one thing that is absolutely essential to successfully navigating such functions: conversation, the interactions we have with other partygoers and the pleasantries we must share with people we don’t know that well. We’re talking about small talk.

There’s some evidence that this kind of light conversation is actually good for us. A few studies suggest that pleasant chats with an acquaintance may have the power to boost our mental and emotional wellbeing and improve our sense of belonging. And a 2014 study from the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that commuters who talked to strangers on the train reported higher levels of satisfaction and happiness than people who kept to themselves.

That said, not everyone is comfortable with or good at small talk. For some of us, it can be awkward, often forced and sometimes seem a bit stale.

So, for those who struggle with it, we’ve put together a short guide on how to make the small talk you need for your happy hours and reunions something to look forward to (or at the very least, something not to dread):

1. Do some research

Planning out conversations and talking points ahead of time is an underutilized tactic. According to Bernardo J. Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana University Southeast, there’s a misconception that conversation is somehow magical and manifests itself out of nowhere. Not only is that false, he said, it’s a notion that contributes to our anxiety and self-doubt about small talk.

“That’s why people think it’s so hard, and that you have to be perfect at it. [They think] you only get one shot or you only get a limited opportunity to dazzle people,” Carducci said. “That’s simply not the case.”

To position yourself for conversational success at a party, both Carducci and Debra Fine, a lecturer and communications expert, recommend going in with a sense of what you may talk about. Mine your brain and scan the news to find some interesting and engaging things to discuss—it can help you avoid the potential agony of dangling silently with nothing to say in a conversation.

It may seem a bit odd to map out what you’re going to talk about before you even know who’s going to be at the party. But in reality, Carducci said, it’s no different than any other preparation you’d do for an event: “People think about what they’re going to wear. They put a lot of time into that,” he explained. “[They can] also think about what [they’re] going to say.”

2. Early bird catches the gab

Both Fine and Carducci stress one key small-talk tactic: Show up to the party on time. Carducci actually likes to arrive early and help set things up. That’s how much he likes to avoid being late.

Our anxiety tells us that showing up late is the best tactic. It makes us believe that if we get there after the party is roaring, there’ll be more chances to join a conversation, and we’ll blend into the buzz more easily. But “small talk is so much harder when people clique up,” Fine said, and if you get there late, people will already have started their conversation without you, making it harder to break in.

“Plus, the level of arousal is high as you walk into that noise, that chatter, right?” Carducci added. “That’s going to accent your anxiety.”

If you can’t get there early, there’s nothing wrong with including yourself in an existing conversation, Carducci said, as long as you do it gracefully: listening to what the group is discussing, adding what he calls a “comment of extension” to what someone else has said, then hopping on the ride.

3. Have an exit strategy

Knowing how to exit a conversation is  as important as knowing how to get into one, according to Fine and Carducci.

If someone is droning on about their mid-century coin collection, their child’s most recent school play or a deeply controversial topic the rest of the room doesn’t really want to discuss, it’s reasonable to try to change the subject. The key, yet again, is to be tactful about it.

Don’t just cut someone off short when they’re talking about their arcane niche hobby—that will leave them feeling ignored or snubbed. Before changing the subject, Fine recommended acknowledging something the person has said, saying things such as “it sounds like you’re passionate about that topic,” or “I’m glad to hear your opinion,” if you can say it honestly.

And after you’ve noted what they’ve said, come up with something else to talk about—shutting down a conversation without a backup plan runs the risk of backfiring.

“Don’t stand there with this pregnant pause where now we don’t think what to talk about. It’ll feel like you slapped [your conversation partner] in the face. Be prepared to say, ‘So, what are you looking forward to next year when it comes to your work?’” Fine said.

If they still keep talking about the coins or the controversial news story and you just can’t physically can’t handle it anymore, you’re under no obligation to remain in a conversation, both Carducci and Fine said. Bow out as graciously as you can, and find someone else to engage.

Or, if you’ve hit your limit of small talk for the day, there’s no reason to stick around. Just leave—it is the holidays, after all, and you probably deserve a break.